When life kicks you in the nuts and your balls hurt, you better fucking pen it out. Then you know how to explain. But first things first, lets welcome dysthymia back after 3 years.

Who was there for you when you were facing the darkest moments of your life?
Who was there for you when your friendships were all strained and you needed to talk to someone?
Who was there for you during your holidays and when u had screwed up relationships?
Who was there for you when your family needed help?
Who was there for you when you needed help with your assignments?
Who was there for you when you had your exams?
When you had nobody to talk to, who was there?
When you were on your way to wherever you were, who was there?
When you walked your dog and was bored, who was there?
When you were sick and needed food and medicine, who was there?
When you needed water and comfort, who was there beside you?
When you needed money, who was there for you?
Who would sacrifice their future for yours?

For the first time in my life, I can feel my depression returning to my life. Nobody is there to hear me out. No one can understand, only people who have gone through this cycle before are the only ones who can understand exactly how I feel. The constant nightmares are haunting me each night. Not one day goes by where I don’t get a nightmare, and it’s been happening for the past week, one day after another. Life feels meaningless? Yes. Insomnia? Kinda. Am I going to do something about it? Not at the moment. I’m not ready to give up just yet. I have to adhere to my promise.

The only friend (and I can say this with much face-value) has to go through school, her social circle has finally improved for the better, I’m happy for her. But she’s forsaking me and I can only feel ourselves drifting away. The only time I have with her is moving on to the next day. And the next. And the next. And she will not understand how I feel because we are not in the least bit communicating with each other emotionally. There’s only so much you can say when you have so many things in your mind.. and when I finally think of saying it my bubble is burst. Good job, Gabriel. You just have too high expectations.

The best part of all this is not waiting for it to change, but seeing how things are progressing even before things are rectified. I know of her plans and I know roughly what to expect. All the empty promises of coming home early to talk, to tell me about the many things you want to tell me. Talk tomorrow? Check. Tired? Check. No longer talking on phone? Check. Go out with friends, have plans to meet another friend after, then while you’re waiting for all of this to finish and u wait expectantly, the cycle is just going to restart again. School tmrw? Time to sleep early. Went out with friends? Result? Too tired. Maybe the reason why you’re tired in the first place is because you have so much going on with your life. And fuck I’m supposed to be happy for you but not at the expense of our relationship isn’t it?

I just want things to change, irrespective of how things are flowing at the moment. I can only hope for the best. Any more longer, I can’t fucking live with it anymore. This hurt and pain is just too much to bear, please God, let’s just hope things change for the better.

Maybe life isn’t just worth working so hard for, maybe all this, all these; amount up to nothing. Because when you really love someone, you would go to the high heavens and earth for them. They will mean everything to you and you are always on their mind. Only time will tell how things play out in the future.